444


Numerology states that seeing numbers in threes is significant. For instance, 111 means Wake Up Call (from the Mystical Realm). Be aware of your spiritual path. 444 means Home Is Calling (in the feminine realm). A strong womxn in your life/home/family. 555 means a Change is Going to Come. 
I’ve been seeing these three sets of numbers for two weeks now and needed to be reminded of what it might mean. It’s NOT because Jay-Z just dropped his album 4:44. It’s because I need to be reminded of the spiritual path I am on, that home is a sacred place and change is on its way.

Disclaimer: I have neither listened to Lemonade 🍋 nor 4:44. However, I have heard the multitude of feedback given by women of color, most particularly Black womxn, about the themes in Beyoncé’s work. Today, there is a fervor of communication about her husband’s “response” album and the hidden messages therein. I think people are finding there are no hidden messages. Everything he says is clear and true.

Sean Carter is a husband admitting his faults and reflecting on the choices he’s had and decisions he’s made. Appears that Mr. Carter is a regular heterosexual man who deals with his difficulties through conquest. Most cisgender men do. Confronting the reality of being with a powerful womxn can be a shocker for people reared in a heteronormative culture that supports the subjugation of womxn and the elevation of men. 

This reminds me of a question I asked a friend above the age of 40. I wondered if, when he was younger, he had an idea of the kind of relationship he wanted in the future. Had he shaped this idea with his experiences during his youth, or did he just get into situations with women? Growing up similarly to Jay-Z, he says that he never really had an idea. He never thought about it. He wanted a child definitively, but he had no criteria for the mother. This probably occurs more than I’d like to think, but it is important to bring it to light. The lack of preparation or forethought. The resignation that the relationship would just work itself out. But people make poor decisions. Still, we can’t run from the consequences.
Immediately I recall Solange in the elevator. The incident we may like to think was blown up by the media. The mere existence of the tape is enough. Watching a sister become so angry she can’t think but to put hands on her brother-in-law seemed a clear call to arms. And he didn’t defend himself. What did that mean? Are we camera conscious or controlling oneself because there’s some truth in her anger? Maybe both. 

There’s no doubt that Beyoncé and Jay-Z are a power couple. They have been for years. They have great business acumen without a doubt. However, when it came to being in the actual relationship, Jay turned out to be “immature”. That’s not #relationshipgoals.

How are womxn always light years ahead of men? In this instance, Beyoncé knew what she wanted. I don’t think it’s as much a matter of her being more mature than it is his lack of direction. Power from poverty doesn’t automatically breed emotional intelligence. It can be a long road for some and because of society’s coddling of cis men, they have a longer timeline in which to figure it out. 

That’s why there’s the Side Chick or Second Wives Club. Something new in which to try out your more evolved self. A clean slate. Celebrities and other wealthy people have laid the blue print for marrying early and trading in the first wife for a new trophy. I felt, years ago, once Blue Ivy was born, that her father had experienced some guilt and was rejuvenated by her presence. He had a new purpose. That doesn’t always last long. Was Becky with the Good Hair after this? 

It was never about Beyoncé’s beauty or loyalty. Those qualities are obvious. It was about his human revolution, the journey to transform oneself in this life (and the next)… and he was late for the train. He got on eventually.

It’s the “eventually” that is most annoying to womxn in relationships with cis men. The waiting for true partnership to happen. Believing it is happening when he can’t maintain it. It’s scary. To them. It must be. I should replace annoying with damaging. Damaging to their partners, children and value system. Perhaps the values have been dismantled and substituted with the memories of the past. The place you reference often but never really want to go back to because it won’t resolve itself. 

Go there. Go to that place that makes you feel the great absence again and tell yourself, know in your heart that someone might not come along to fill that hole. A wife cannot fill the hole. Anonymous womxn cannot fill the hole. Being a father does not fill the hole. It is only the man himself that can finally believe wholeheartedly that he is capable of doing more than strutting and enact that knowledge in his life. 

He comes close in his record that discusses his mother’s struggle living a closeted life. Still, the song expresses the very societal norms that made him the man late for the train. The man who retired only to dabble in the art he swooped in on at the most opportune time. 

Jay, your home has been calling you, your family wants you, the strong woman in your life has made a declaration. Are YOU listening?

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